All Love

My amazing wife

My view when I woke up this morning and came downstairs to a wife who covered baby duty all night so I could sleep

I have an amazing wife. I’ve always known this. Before we were married, before we had dated- I knew she was the one for me, the only one I’d ever want. And while there’s a great many things in life I regret or have done poorly, I’m sure proud of my ability to pick the most amazing woman ever.

This recent time, with Baby Maddie running our lives, has been interesting, because I’m discovering even more new ways that my wife is amazing. Multiple times, I’ve had a long day at work, a long work day coming next, and little Maddie doesn’t want to sleep yet, if at all. My wife, in all love, sends me to bed, and covers baby duty all night.

She takes care of our home, bills, paperwork, chores, and yet, when I get home, she’s worrying about me, caring about me, being nurturing and kind to me. It’s unreal, unearned, and unbelievable how kind she is.

a photo my wife sends me during the day so I feel connected with my family and what’s going on when I’m not around

I seem to be pondering very frequently lately the idea that Maddie is so lucky to have Natalie as her mom. This kid couldn’t have asked for a more perfect fit, made by God to be exactly what little Maddie needs. And exactly the same thing is true of Natalie and me. Natalie is the perfect fit for me- crafted by God to be exactly what I need. Not just when she’s being amazingly supportive and helpful and kind- but even when she’s snappy or irritable, it’s exactly the right kind of snappy for me. Exactly the type that will sink in with me. She’s perfect.

I’m so thankful for the ladies in my life, and with each day as I ponder it, I can’t help but be reminded over and over how overwhelmingly fortunate I am to be in this blessed season of life.

All God Letters to Maddie Love

Musings on six weeks in

I’ve prayed to die more times than I can count. From about 14 or 15 onward, I’ve been praying somewhere between 20-200 times per day to die. I pray it as a song, in words, in moans. It’s been the one counterpoint in frequency to “I love you” said to my wife, and “I live to serve” said to everyone.

But Maddie was born a bit over a month ago, and suddenly, once. Like not for one day, but one time on one day.

Some people would feel bad if they prayed to die. But for me it was such a surreal moment where almost out of habit I find it being asked, then I stopped and thought for the first time, maybe ever, that I genuinely just feels odd now to pray that.

My love for my wife was enough to stick around. I have her my word and I kept it that I’d stay. But I can’t pretend that it was always what I wanted. But then Maddie shows up and I don’t just choose to stick around- I want to.

Baby girl, when you grow up and you read this, if one day you do, know that the combined love I found I was capable of between you and your mother is quite literally reason to live for me.

I didn’t hate life, I wasn’t discontent, I was just bored. The sum total of the remainder of my days just seemed so predictable that I did dangerous things, ruined my life even at times, just to mix it up. But then you show up, and it’s just the right type of unpredictable. You’re certainly not boring. And I enjoy the way you make each day a challenge.

I figured out pretty much an expert level how to love your mom perfectly. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m saying I’m certainly the perfect husband for her, and she is the perfect wife for me. But right now the things that I don’t know about how to be a good dad to you could fill volume after volume of books. I’m enjoying the discovery, relishing each moment where I realize just how not enough I am. It’s fun being so incredibly insufficient that I know I have to rely on Jesus to even possibly make this time worth it. I don’t speak of worth it for me, but worth it for you – that my time here would be well spent in making you feel loved, and reflecting the love of Jesus to you. This is a journey I’m enjoying, and I only pray that one day you would so fall in love with Jesus not because we force you into it, because we love you in a way that shows how Jesus loves us.

I can’t wait to see how you grow up, but even in this moment I’m enjoying watching you grow day by day. We laugh at your funny faces, we smile when you do, we cry when you hurt. I love you so much little kid, and you haven’t done anything to earn it yet. Just like that is how God loved me. Not based on what I did, but because he’s the father who wants nothing more than whatever is best for us. I hope our loves shows that to you in a powerful way. 

All Letters Love

Dearest Natalie, My Love