So it’s no longer a hypothetical- I’ve got an offer for an 80k a year job, with easy growth where it’d be shocking not to make 100+ within a year or so. I’d be doing IT, managing my own department, and helping people in a variety of ways within tech. But with the backing of a company so I’m not taking on the risk myself.
And I’m paralyzed. I don’t want to be my dad. Working so much, so hard, trying to provide for his family, that he sacrificed any relationship with that family until post-retirement when it was too late. I want to be a shoe in for dad of the year in this house- every year. But working any job not at morning star will never come close to being so good for my family, so good for loving my wife and I as a unit.
I don’t want to take a job just for the money, but at the same time, I don’t want to ignore the chance to provide for my wife and kid in a substantially better way. And the job itself sounds like a thing that I could do well. That takes my passions and my experiences and puts them to good use! I think I’ll be more stressed, more busy, and I’ll lose weight from all the hustling, but I don’t think those are bad things inherently.
I feel like leaving the church right now would be giving up, letting the church become exactly what I dream that it won’t be. That I yearn for a church where the believers who aren’t bought into the cults of the day stay rather than leave. But I’m running dry. I’ve exhausted my influence and the desire of others to have me serve. So I’m hamstrung- unable to retreat to what I know and love, unable to serve Jesus in ways that I find fulfilling. And I don’t see a way out of this. Literally this week, Scott said he has no plan, nothing finite. After the last 5 years, to have NO PLAN means we’re going to be just as rudderless as have been, for as long as his vote is the only one that matters in this place. And what does that mean for me? Means I’m making lifelong bets about wether I can outlast Scott, when I don’t truly think I can.
I’m seeking counsel this week from those I love, trust and respect- Natalie and I both today to kick it off, and again in a couple of days. Between then- our monday night group, Jared Boltman, Rob Beckley, and possibly John himself if it gets that far. But I’ve got just a few days to come to an answer, and accept the offer on the table, or turn it down. Neither one has me excited. Neither one feels “right.” But feel painful, like I’ll regret the downside of my choice and be easily distracted away from seeing the upside of whichever I choose.
God help me! I need wisdom, I need guidance. Where I don’t hear your voice clearly- which has been all I’ve been praying for, would you let the voices of others steer well, lead well, and speak wisdom. I need it.