Sitting on the edge

There are times in life where you know you’re in the good ole days. Then there are times when you know you’re sitting on the raggedy edge, one push away from major change, unsure if that change will be good or bad.

These last few years, I’ve often commented to my wife that we’d look back later on this as a really stable and happy time- we’re in a good spot in our marriage, we have a safe, healthy, and happy kid- and finances are never free flowing, but we’ve been provided for more than anything we earned or deserved. So even in the midst of Morning Star’s meltdown, and covid, we’ve been relatively unscathed and contented.

But now, this last month or so the self-reflection see’s it differently. Reading the tea leaves of obvious movements in our life, we know that those things that made up the good times- those are all still true. BUT that my tenure at Morning Star is shaky at best.

I’ve already written about what’s going on, or whatever I haven’t covered isn’t that important. Rather, what I’m contemplating tonight, needing to make sure I have it down in writing to reflect back on later- is that knowledge and conviction I have right now that God is still working in even this. And that I trust whatever the plan is. Natalie and I went for a nice long walk last week on vacation in california- processing what we think, and where we see God leading. Not wanting to blame any and all open/shut doors on Him, when it can be just where the door happens to fall. She’s convinced she definitely doesn’t want to move back to Bakersfield, and I’m convinced I want to make a certain dollar figure so I can provide for her and Maddie without losing natalie to going back to work. But I’m open- I could truly see us moving to Arizona, with an opportunity that seems to be opening up down there. I could see me working non-profit or commercial IT work here in Salem so we can keep the stability we have and live in this home- to hit the goal I have of a more stable childhood for Maddie than I had. (as far as moving). I can even see paths where I end up staying at Morning Star- where I’ve wanted to die working, but I don’t know if that’ll be a choice left up to me on the current path.

So I don’t want to duck and cover- hide to protect my job. But I also don’t want to poke just for the sake of poking. So in this season, it’s all within the mantra- that if I want to live a holy life, I’ve got to live a holy minute. Just prayerfully asking constantly what God would have me do now, and leaving what He plans on doing with me tomorrow for tomorrow. It’s focusing on just my next few steps, and leaving the rest open to God. Not my strategy, not my planning or conniving, not my overthinking- just doing whatever is right and honorable and just and holy and true in this moment, and trusting that will be enough.

God, I have what gifts I have so far in this life not because of my own hard work or effort, but because you’ve provided. And the promise isn’t for fiscal provision, but that in Jesus, I do have all I need. So help it to be all I want. Let me be content, not in situations or circumstance, but in You. That you are enough, and you always have been. Forgive me where I lower my gaze from you on the cross, and focus instead on the meager plot of dirt where you temporarily have me. Let me be faithful to the next step of the journey, and only the next step- trusting that you’ll lead the overall path where you want it. Then tomorrow again, I’ll pray for the wisdom and guidance to be faithful just for tomorrows steps. And most of all, let me lead others to you. Let me hear your heartbeat, and drum it out for all to hear. Let me strip away all that is in me that is not you, and do the same in your church. And if you will allow me (and have called me) to do that in this place, let me be faithful to do that. And if not, let me be faithful to go where you lead. But only where YOU lead. Not my will but yours. God thank you that you love me, and that you never give up on me. Let me love you with all I have in return.